The Journey

My life has become a slow-motion world where everything moves like thick honey dripping from a spoon or waiting for the Catsup to come out the opening of the bottle. The world says “Hurry up. Do it faster!” But my life seems to move at “Turtle Time.” I can almost tell you how much time it takes for me to walk from the car to each doctor’s office. I try to follow the nurse taking me back to see the doctor, but she rounds the corner – out of my vision. I see her pop her head back around that corner to see if I am coming.

Even mindless tasks take more time and energy. Changing clothes is a balancing act of getting your shorts on before your foot gets caught in the leg and throws you in the floor. Sometimes it is funny, other times it is scary. After changing clothes or taking a shower requires a twenty-minute rest to catch my breath.

I have recently come to the realization that in the slowness of life small wonders should be sought out. The bunny family in the back yard who eat our clover. The squirrels which empty Shirley’s bird feeder or sits in the tree eating one of our neighbor’s tomatoes. The highlight of my day (I hate to say) is discovering my weight and recording it for the doctor. And taking my glucose readings three times and wondering why it is so low or high, and recording it. One good thing is when I can walk, Shirley and I go for short (to the Dr.) walks together

I pray that God, no matter how slowly my life is unfolding, God’s hand is moving in the circumstances of my day… covering me with God’s grace and peace. Thank God I am still moving forward. Amen.

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Everybody knows that I have had health problems since my 1995 heart attack and surgery. I tell folks that I died when I was 48… my new life has been much different with the onset of the affects of Agent Orange of Vietnam. Now I have stage 4 liver disease, stage 4 kidney disease, Diabetes, low iron, congestive heart failure, a pacemaker and defibrillator… and Lord knows what else.

I confess there are days when my weakness and shortness of breath seems to suffocate my passion for living. There are dark nights when I plan my funeral. Sometimes I wonder why I am still here. What is the purpose God now has for me?

I look at my hands which once were strong and sure, full of endurance, now they are unsteady, stay cold and swollen. My mind, once quick and incisive, now falters under the weight of trying to remember names and faces and places. What real purpose do I serve following the doctor’s orders to keep my feet elevated, surfing channels on a television that has hardly anything worth watching, dozing many afternoons. I seem like such a wet blanket to my family – not able to do that which requires much walking.

But then, just when I feel all wet, God’s Spirit stirs my heart and touches my soul. Even though my earthly days are a mystery to me, I know one thing for sure… God created me with an eternal purpose… to be more like Jesus each and every day… to touch another’s life with kindness and grace.

My prayer is for the Lord to give me an extra measure of grace when I feel that I am too old or too slow to be useful. Help me take my limitations as opportunities to serve you in some way. My purpose is not withered away with another birthday… my purpose is rooted in eternity. Amen.

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